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Ramblings of WHY mark five years

My husband Matthew died five years ago today. WHY is what I think still, on many nights.  Why him? Why then? When there was still so much left undone. Unsaid. So many places we hadn’t seen together. Why did he have to go when both of us were angry? So many wasted years mad. Why? We could have made it better. Why couldn't the kids keep him just a bit longer? Why this way? Why the floor? Why no goodbyes?  He probably cried the same thing.  I couldn't hear back then. Do I hear anything really now though? The Whys every November are normal. Justified. They always stay even after November's gone. I want to scream them away when it's quiet. It's stupid to keep saying "it's not fair." Get over it, they'll probably tell me. Five years is too long to keep thinking about the Whys. Shit, don't they know I tell myself the same thing? Also, F anyone who doesn't know the pain of going on and keeping on (without) their person. My eyes look away when I see

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