I Am Probably That Person You Hate On Facebook

I just realized I'm that person you can't stand on Facebook.

I was checking my newsfeed the other day and I kind of hated myself. Lots of kid pics. Lots of pointless videos and LOL comments. A few selfies. Ugh, please can I just unfriend myself?

Let's talk about Facebook for a sec. We all know we're addicted to it - but nobody likes to admit it. Facebook is like the goody-two-shoes cousin of Twitter - with her pretty, smiley teeth and pictures of her frolicking in sunflower fields, inspirational words after she left church (while we all burn for sleeping in), oh and those feel good stories she shares about cops shopping with poor kids. But we all know Facebook is so full of it.

Billions of us are liking, sharing, posting, uploading fools all day long. We sometimes avoid important things in life to go sneak a look online, at that big, blue 'F' icon... I just have to watch this one stupid cat video (I am a dog person, but I love me some cat videos). I will insert serious laugh emojis right there.

This cat had me at Meow.
But we should admit, we all have those people we really can't stand on here, too. People like me. I brag about my kids being smart and cute and post pictures of them that nobody on planet Earth except maybe my mom cares about - but I still do it. I may be brimming with that old Holy Spirit some Sunday morning and post something inspirational that the majority of my friends list finds trite, but I still do it. I post those annoying moms night out pics (with wine in hand) way too much, but I still do it. We need to come to terms with how annoying we all are on here.

I'll be the one to call you out here. Please spot yourself amongst the mix and cut that shit out. Yes, I'm admitting I'm probably the worst offender of a lot of these stereotypes, but someone has to say it. I mean no harm. I'm that brutally honest friend everyone wants to slap sometimes. I blurt things I probably shouldn't. My mom calls it "diarrhea of the mouth." I've lost friends over it, yes, but I speak the truth. So if you can't handle the truth... then I guess you go talk to Jack Nicholson or something.

Here are the top 10 most annoying Facebook users. Which one are you?

1. The Facebook Pet Person. We all love a good dog story or the cat-in-lap picture and who can't keep from crying after reading about the two-legged, blind, rescued Cocker Spaniel who found his forever home? Ok, ok, but at some point I'm thinking several pictures a day of your pet, your dog licking your kids, your dog chasing a ball, your dog catching a newspaper in his teeth - whatever - is too much. I love that you love your pet, but just stop. Now excuse me while I go post a pic of my dog who just crapped on the kitchen floor.

2. The Facebook Gym Rat. We all know the people who feel an unquenchable desire to let us know anytime they have checked into the gym, how many deadlift reps (or whatever the term is), how many squats, how many miles or how many calories they've burned in 4.5 minutes. We get it! We are fat and on the couch and you are lifting heavy weights, balancing on an exercise ball and posting your progress via your miletracker thingie. Hans and Franz would be very proud of you, but it only reminds us that we're probably out of shape, so stop it.

Nailed it!
3. The Facebook/Pinterest Poster. Guilty! This person thinks an entire friends list is dying to know the recipe for anything that contains Nutella, how to make rainbow-food-colored spaghetti (just tell your picky 5-year-old to eat plain spaghetti like a normal kid), or how to grow flowers out of glass mason jars that you can also string lights through and hang for your summer barn dance. In this case, don't stop posting you crazy dreamer. I continue to enjoy the fails of my many attempts at the recipes and crafts you pin.

4. The Facebook Vacationer. You are kind of cheating at the Facebook posting game - we don't see or hear from you for weeks, months even. We wonder, "Did I get unfriended?" But alas, you pop up. You are on vacation. You have a Corona in your hand and your toes in the sand. You are on a tropical island and it's 10 degrees and snowy for everyone else (or at least anyone who lives in the Midwest) and you're pretty much just bragging that you are tan and we are pasty white. I get it. I've done it. Next...

5. The Facebook Lurker. This person has a page. It may or may not contain a profile picture from 15 years ago. It might list a place of work, but likely no pictures and no recent posts. We know you only come on here to stalk people you went to high school with or see what kind of Nutella recipe I'm posting. I am sure of this because these people always know your business, and how would they know about the cat video I just LOL'd unless they were lurking on my page? So quit it, you're creepy!

The classic naked kid Xmas pic.
6. The Facebook Baby/Kid Poster. Before all you momma bears go roaring and thrashing at me, I am most guilty of this one. We are the worst. Sometimes this offender may even throw in a #Blessed hashtag to be sure we all barf - just in case the picture wasn't enough. She posts pictures and videos of adorable babies sleeping or drooling, kids singing, dancing, smashing cupcakes - or my favs - kids playing soccer, hanging from the monkey bars, petting zoo animals, Santa's lap or cheesing in front of the Magic Kingdom (it's not a small world anymore people, everyone takes this picture!) And despite warnings of pedophiles waiting to pounce on our naked kid pics, we do that too. I suppose the people on our friends lists who don't have kids are probably the most annoyed with these posts, and I imagine them silently scrolling through, but inside they are screaming, "I don't give a damn about your kid's school award!"
It's ok, no-kid Facebook scroller, I've said it for you.

7. The Facebook Selfie Queen. This needs no explanation, but I will elaborate. If your profile pic changes more than you change your underwear (which I hope is daily) then you are an offender. If your selfie is of you in a bathroom somewhere (unless you have a really great poop story to go with it) please don't post it. If your selfie is of you in the car seatbelted in with your Kim Kardashian pout telling everyone how great your new hairdo looks, please just stop. If your nose (or the nostril/underside angle of your nose) makes up 50 percent of the selfie, please save us from seeing what only a practicing ENT should see. Enough!

8. The Constant Facebook Status Updater. Ok again, I'm guilty as anyone. But this has got to be the worst offender. The world does not need to know every second of your life how you are feeling, what you are doing, what movie you're watching, what airport you are sitting in, where you are going, what restaurant you have checked into, what you are eating and when you arrive home (usually drunk). I think your posts would be helpful to us if you were an accused serial killer and we needed to pinpoint your alibi, but until you go murdering a couple people, please stop telling us every minute detail of your life.

9. The Facebook Political Poster. Ok this person is many of us. How can we NOT get fired up talking about the shit show that is the state of our country right now. But this person is over-the-top passionate about it, so be warned - if you engage with the Political Poster, you better have a thesis-sized argument to back it up or this person will eat you alive - and it gets really uncomfortable for the rest of us to watch unfold in the comments section. Let's tiptoe around this one and agree that Facebook should be fun. Let's not go shoving American flags up anyone's yahoo today.

10. The Facebook Holy Roller. Ok I'm a believer, too - I'd be scared NOT to be, because come Judgement Day, I'm going to need whomever is in charge to have mercy on me for all the things I've said and done (mostly the things I've said and done from age 21-41). But the Bible scriptures, warm and fuzzy inspirational quotes with waterfalls and sunsets or the prayer requests for everything from headaches, lost pacifiers or just hoping for a T-ball win - it's all a bit much. This Facebooker may as well claim to own a selfie with Jesus himself. So how about we tone this down a bit. Maybe just once a week on Sundays?

In the meantime, let's all get back to the important things in life, you know, liking cat videos and posting our pet pics.


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